Well. I guess I can write about this one now that I KNOW it’s over.

Her name was Emilia. Sarcastic, witty, blunt, a bit of a jerk, but still kind, sweet and fun. She liked good shows and movies, her music collection was decent enough… Though I should have seen the warning signs: She hated Radiohead and The Beatles.

I found out only too late that she had just gotten out of a two year relationship with some asshole a couple of weeks before, and it was apparent that she still loved him. 

Why then, did I keep going out with her? Because I’m a dumbass, that’s why. Because I liked her. Against all of my better judgement, I kept seeing her. I thought, “Maybe I can help her, maybe I can save her.” But I knew deep down it could never lead to the relationship I’ve always wanted. Then there was that one night. She looked at me. She wanted me to kiss her, it was abundantly clear. Lord knows I wanted to, fucking hell, all the gods and deities knew it.

But I was too scared to. I was too scared to open up more to her, to let her in further, and then let her break me at a deeper spot. I had no choice but to tell her the truth at that point. I told her everything. I told her I’d never had a girlfriend, that the only girls I’ve ever gotten close to just use me to get over someone else or to get to someone else, and that I’ve never had sex. She looked shocked, and I could tell she was just pretending to understand.

I guess it’s why I wasn’t surprised at what happened next.

She got a text from a friend. He said he was stranded, his car broke down and he needed a ride. She told me she was really sorry and told me I should go home. I didn’t hear from her for 3 days, so I did what any desperate fool would do; I Google’d her ass. It was the first result for her name: her journal. I found out what really happened that night. She kicked me out on her doorstep and left to go fuck another guy. That hurt so incredibly bad. I haven’t talked to her in weeks.

I’ve never been in love. But I’ve had my heart broken.

And that’s just not fair.