I miss her.

I simply don’t know what to say about last night.

I keep asking myself “What’s going on here?” and then I realize that it’s just that happy feeling I’ve gotten so used to living without.

I’m sitting here, still thinking about it. Thinking about how my heart jumped when I first saw her coming up the steps. Thankful that she hugged me, since I knew I certainly wasn’t going to — even though it’s all I wanted to do. Staring at her smile. Walking around, talking for hours. Freezing our asses off while baring our souls just that tiniest bit. It was not a typical first date.

I’m still thinking about lying in bed with her, just staring into her eyes. I’m still thinking about when she was talking about “living in the moment”, and it gave me the courage to grab her hand. It wasn’t long before I told her I wanted to kiss her, and she told me she’d been waiting the whole night for me to do it. So I did it. Well, okay, technically, she did it. We kissed. It was… It was brilliant. I’m overcome with a wave of emotion just thinking about it. I woke up next to a beautiful girl this morning, and my eyes teared up as I realized I might be close to getting exactly what I’ve wanted for so long.

I know she’s different. I know she’s not like the others. But the others have damaged me. I’m so scared that she’s just going to abandon me like they did. This is the first time I’ve felt so… Alive because of someone. She makes me feel different. She makes me feel like I’ve always wanted to feel, like the person I’ve always wanted to be. I honestly had the best night of my life last night.

July 15th, 2009. A night I don’t think I’ll be able to forget if I tried.

We talked for well over seven hours straight yesterday. We talked on the phone for three hours, until 2:30 in the morning, and I think it went really well. I was serious when I asked her where they’ve been hiding her. I’m supremely mad at whoever kept me from meeting this girl sooner.

Stay tuned…

A new challenger appears.

Her name is Diedra. This one seems really different. Would it be entirely stupid to say “she’s like me”? I think it might be. But it seems like it’s true.

Let’s see what Fate has in store for me.

I think I’m alright now. It still hurts, but I can’t keep wallowing in my own self-pity. I can’t keep brooding.

Though, I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever find that perfect girl for me. Someone who can understand all of my faults, someone who will accept me for who I am; the kind, timid, inexperienced guy with a heart of gold. I desperately want to give that heart to somebody, but the only people who ever approach it take a look at it, examine it, decide it’s worthless and throw it on the floor when they’re done. And there is of course, the fact that whenever I reveal that I’ve never had sex, the person runs away. They must think I’m afraid of commitment or just looking to use them to lose the “virgin” title or something. I don’t know what the hell they think, but I can tell you that their assumptions are wrong.

I’ve been walked all over too much in my life, and I don’t think I have the will, the courage or the energy to stop them. I just want to find that one girl. The one who loves life as much as I want to, and who will teach me to feel the same way. The one who listens to records well into the morning simply because sleeping would mean that they can’t listen to the beautiful music anymore. The one who can talk to me for hours about their views on everything; everything from the vast intricacies of life, to the intrinsic value of a zombie’s soul.

I’m bound and determined. She’s out there, and I will find her some day.

Some day.

Optimism was wrong again.

Melissa has a friend who is dying. He doesn’t have long to live, and he told her he loves her. She told me she doesn’t think there’s a chance of a relationship between the two of us because she can’t abandon him and let him die alone. I swear to god, it’s like I’m living in a soap opera. How often does this shit actually happen?

My heart gets broken again. I don’t think I can keep doing this. I’m starting to think it’s never going to happen. Maybe I’m meant to go find an island somewhere and become a hermit. They can tell stories about me in the local village. Heh.

I finally got my grades back for the semester, and fucking hell, what did I do?! I got a C in HTML. How did that happen? I’m GOOD at HTML, and my page looked awesome. And ugh, I got an F on my screenplay writing final. My instructor told me it was because I didn’t follow his formatting rule (which is a bullshit format that they stopped using in the 1970s). He said my story showed remarkable promise, and that he truly felt it was one of the best screenplays he’d read from a student all year, but that I messed up on the format too often. Uh, yeah. That’s my life. Welcome to it.

At least I got a decent grade in History and US Politics. I would have really been surprised if I didn’t do well in those… I poured my heart and soul into those final essays. I could have convinced Reagan himself that the barter system wasn’t such a bad idea.

Otherwise, things are going well. Still talking to Melissa. Keep thinking something’s going to go wrong though. Like, maybe she’s actually a Moogle or something. I don’t think I can date a Moogle. It’s just not for me.

I keep going to San Francisco; at least twice a month. It’s really nice to get away from the family. I’ve realized that I don’t like to be alone, but I don’t want to be with them. I just want to be with people who are like me.

Hmm. This Melissa just might be the real deal. She lives incredibly far away, but she’s moving to the area soon, and I think I can be patient.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but it’s hard not to. I’m very quickly becoming jaded with this whole process, and I’m trying my best to balance the realist and the optimist in me. This is basically my inner-monologue:

Optimism: Hooray! A new girl! She’s not complicated and she’s not crazy!
Cynicism: Shut the fuck up, Optimism. How often has this crap worked out before?
Optimism: This might be the one time it works!
Cynicism: Keep thinking that, little guy. But don’t blame me when it turns out she’s still in love with some guy and ends up breaking Our Guy’s heart again.

I hope Optimism is right for once.